it’s in life
as much as writing
and no matter what we think we want to do
we can’t force anything
but we can give it our best shot
when we are brave enough

there is a dryness around the edges
of inspiration in all its forms

our only option
is to wake up and write
is to wake up and work
is to wake up and sing
is to wake up and pray
that we will make it past the dryness
into the aliveness

that we know is real, because we’ve felt it before.

and in the meantime,
we can only trust
that we once loved to write
that we once loved to work
that we once loved to sing
that we once loved to pray
that we have made it through the dryness
into the aliveness
many times before.

so we sit down to try
to write, to work, to sing, to pray,
to tell ourselves the truth we don’t believe
and discover it is altogether real
and has been this whole time.

djordan
Pine Tree

i was once told that we can’t work toward the kingdom,
because we would get disappointed,
because things don’t go the way we want them to,
because we make progress,
but then we lose ground.

i was told there’s nothing to do but wait for it
try to hold on in the meantime
try to huddle close in the meantime
try to stay strong in the meantime.

but it’s only been in the working toward the kingdom
which is, of course, seeking for the kingdom
because when have we ever sought for something and not worked toward it,
that we learn what it is we were after all along

and once you get a taste,
a glimmer
a sniff
a sign of the kingdom
there’s nowhere else to go
and there’s nothing else to hope for
and there’s nothing worth huddling up or holding on or staying strong for

but running after it with all the
workday and play-day and holiday and payday

and so, we seek first the kingdom
we seek first the justice of the kingdom
we seek first the economics of the kingdom
we seek first the compassion of the kingdom
we seek first the community of the kingdom
we seek first the signs of the kingdom

and we find that even in the
two steps forward and once step back
or even in the
two steps forward and three steps back

we still have no choice but to walk toward the kingdom
we still have no choice but to work toward the kingdom
we still have no choice but to lean toward the kingdom

because it’s a burden that is “too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave.”

so we must work toward the kingdom
even though things don’t go the way we want them to
even though we get disappointed
even though we lose ground

because

kingdom comes on earth as in heaven.

djordan
Pine Tree

In reflecting on the upcoming one-year anniversary of mosthopeful.com on August 23, I’m throwing some of the posts that readers have looked at the most back into the mix. Thanks for allowing me the space. It’s been a most humbling experience.

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View the original post and comments from March 4, 2012

It is just after the time when it’s too late.

Our prayers are guided this way. We pray leading up to the time when it is obviously too late. And then we explain why he didn’t show up. Why he didn’t answer.

When our prayers are answered the ways we ask, we give God thanks, and remember it as a way to explain that God indeed does answer prayers.

When our prayers are not answered the ways we ask, when they are not answered in time, we explain that God knows better. We talk about his soveriegnty, and our need to trust him.

We say things like, “Our ways are not God’s ways,” and, “We will know when we should know.”

And in many ways, we come up with explanations either to give God credit, or to let him off the hook.

We pray, and still families fall apart.
We pray, and still jobs are lost.
We pray, and still the famine continues.
We pray, and still we are abused.
We pray, and still we abuse.
We pray, and still the fire burns it all the way down.
We pray, and still the gunshots are fired.
We pray, and still the son is lost.

And so, we say, God knows best. Our ways are not his ways. We will know when we should know.

But not Martha. She is angry.
She had faith, and called him early. When he got sick, she sent for him to get there.

But he did not. He was too late. And she let him know, “If you had only been here.”

And this time, of course, he was not too late. In the ways that he is never too late. There is no too late. Time waits for him, and he does not need time to work in his favor.
And this time, the too late was just on time. When the stone gets pushed out of the way, he comes stumbling out wrapped up like a mummy.
And we talk of the sovereignty of God, Jesus’ power against death, his ways as being other than our ways.

And we are comforted, for a moment. The story helps us take a deep breath, and say to ourselves, it is never too late for him.

But still, we are sitting in the aftermath of
families that have fallen apart.
jobs that are still nowhere to be found.
famine that is murdering millions and millions.
abuse that does not stop.
abusing that cannot stop.
crumbles of chard homes, businesses, churches.
gunshot wounds and hospital noises.
gravestones of our sons and daughters.

And to say the he is never late feels poisonous escaping from our lips.

Martha says, “But even now, I know that God will give you whatever you ask him for.”

In some ways, this makes it worse because we are sitting in the murky puddles of loss and hopelessness.
In other ways, this makes it better because we know that we have seen you more than once defy time and loss and death.

Help us let this make it better.
And when it does not, and we cannot, call for us as you called for Mary, from our mourning…

djordan
Pine Tree Dr.

The mind wrestles
against and within itself.

Days are a balance of brave and monumental hopes
swirled with weary and self-pitying reluctance.

Then balance shifts to war.
Then war shifts to white flag.

But it is not only he who surrenders who loses when the white flag flies.

The ones who are silent, scared, injured.
They lose. Lose more.

They hope hard
that bravery and hope
win the war over weary and self-pity.

or at least for a balance to be restored.

djordan
Chattanooga